What Not to Do
by Kaitou Jareth
Summary: A series of short stories based on a list of things that the members of the Avengers have been forbidden from doing.
1. Rules 1 and 2

**Author's Note: **So I've decided to write fics to explain the things on the list of things Avengers should not do (found here: http:/capkink[.]livejournal[.]com/810[.]html?thread=990506#t990506). This is the first. Enjoy!

I do not own any of the Avengers, but do get quite a kick out of the shenanigans they get into.

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><p>1. <em>Teammates are not to be used for target practice. Even if they did, say, put embarrassing footage of you on the Internet.<em>

__2. We are not to hack into laptops, private servers, public servers, security footage, or any database to find blackmail material that would lead to the first. Even if it was "way too easy."__

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><p>"Jarvis. Wake up."<p>

"Good morning, sir. The weather today—"

"Can it, Jarvis. Not right now." Tony Stark made a face, and set the glass of green liquid down on his desk with a definite **thunk**. "I need you to run a search for me. Internet, old files, closed files, locked files, anything and everything you have access to and probably everything you don't have access to. This is important." He flopped down in the chair and spun around, waking up the many computer screens with his touch as he spun by.

"A deep scan, sir. I understand. And for what am I searching?"

"Not what, Jarvis. _Who_." He stopped spinning and steepled his hands in front of his face. "Get me everything you can on Clint Barton. No man humiliates me in public and gets away with it."

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><p>He was buried waist-deep in the engine of a car when Jarvis interrupted.<p>

"Your search is complete, sir. I have over three thousand hits that correspond to the Clint Barton you designated. They are sorted by priority and quantity of information, from most to—"

"Yeah yeah yeah, just bring it over here," Tony grumbled, his voice all but swallowed by the machinery around him.

"I'm sorry, sir, I didn't catch that." Tony pulled his head out of the engine and repeated his statement. A screen popped up next to where he was standing. "The results, sir."

"Thank you, Jarvis," he said absently as he wiped grease of his hands. After only a few minutes, he stopped, whistled, and stared at the screen for a few seconds. Then he began to laugh. "No! Really? But nobody—that can't be true. But—oh my _god _there's video." He selected the link. Soon, he was laughing so hard his face was turning a shade of red alarmingly similar to that of the Iron Man suit.

"Sir, if I may, you need to continue breathing."

"But," Tony wheezed in between guffaws, "_But he was in the carnival!_"

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><p>"Give me one good reason why I shouldn't shoot you now, Stark. Just one."<p>

Tony's eyes darted between the arrow resting on the bowstring and the rack of different bows sitting beside the man on the other side of the room. "You'd miss my charming personality?"

Clint raised one eyebrow. "Not a chance."

"You…probably couldn't keep living in my house if I was dead?"

"I can find another place to live. And I must say you'd be a novelty target. I've been dying to test out some of these specialty arrows." Tony was strapped to the metal silhouette of a man typically used in target practice.

He wasn't wearing the suit.

"Clint, really, can't we just put down the weapons and talk about this like relatively reasonable men? I mean, I hate to admit it but I've grown fond of my head and I really like the fact that it's attached to the rest of my body and all that…"

Clint's expression didn't change.

"You shared that video with the entire world, Tony. I think we're a little past reasonable." He settled the arrow and drew back the string. "Now. I'll give you one last chance. Give me one good reason to not turn your body into my human pincushion."


	2. Rules 3 and 4

**Author's note:** The silly adventures of the Avengers continue!

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><p><em>3. <em>_We __do __not __trick __Steve __into __thinking __that __technology __is __watching __him._

_4. Except in Tony's house where it most definitely is._

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><p>Steve Rogers sat at a long oaken table, waiting. Nick Fury had arbitrarily decided that it was past time for Steve to learn exactly how far technology had advanced in the past seventy years, and for whatever reason, had also decided that Tony Stark was the best man for this job. Needless to say, this was not the best decision he had ever made.<p>

Tony swept into the room a full hour after the scheduled meeting time, saying something about board meetings and projects and experimental repairs that went completely over Steve's head. He swung around and clapped his hands together. "Right! So! Let's get started. Shall we begin with cell phones?" He paused. "You know what a phone is, right?"

And thus began a long series of meetings in which Tony attempted to bring a man who had been frozen for seventy years up to date with the latest technology. For someone like Tony Stark, who was always five jumps and a good-sized hop ahead of what was considered the "latest technology," this was more than a daunting task.

One day, when Tony was attempting to explain exactly what a computer did and how to use one, Steve innocently pointed to the webcam in the screen of the laptop he was trying to use and asked, "What's the small black circle?" Tony, not fully paying attention, quipped, "Oh, that's where the computer watches you." Steve jerked his hands away from the computer. _"What?" _he exclaimed, horrified. Tony glanced up from his Stark Industries phone to see the astounded look on Steve's face, and just couldn't resist.

"Oh, didn't I tell you? All technology has some way of keeping an eye on us. It's always watching, Captain. Didn't you know that?" Steve gingerly reached out one large hand and tilted the screen down away from him. "No. No, I did not. Thank you for the lesson, Mr. Stark. I think I need to be going." As Steve stood and shrugged on his coat, Tony called after his departing back, "Have fun! Remember, technology's watching!" As the door swung shut, Tony chuckled to himself and promptly forgot all about it.

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><p>Tony returned home late that evening, and found all of its inhabitants clustered together in his living room. Apparently something had concerned them so much that they had even called Pepper <em>and <em>Agent Coulson. "What's going on?" he called out as he dropped his jacket on a sofa. Pepper swung around and stalked towards him.

"_You_, Mr. Stark, are in a lot of trouble," she said, jabbing one perfectly manicured finger towards his chest. He spread his arms out in a shrug. "What did _I _do? I just got here." Her only response was to cross her arms and glare at him. He sighed. "Jarvis? Wake up. What's going on?" A screen on the wall beside him turned a brilliant blue as his computer's voice said smoothly, "Welcome home, Mr. Stark. There has been an...incident with Captain Rogers." Tony frowned. "What's happened, Jarvis?"

"Captain Rogers has locked himself in his room and refuses to come out, sir. He has also forbidden me access to the screens and interface in his room, and shouted at me to 'stop watching him.'" Tony looked around the room. Every single Avenger (and one Stark Industries assistant) was staring at him, and many were obviously annoyed.

"You know what?" he said, as he picked up his jacket from where he had dropped it. "I'm just...going to go and...fix this. Yes. I'll be back." Agent Coulson took a step towards him. "I'd reccommend you bring the Captain back with you when you come. Understand?" Tony tried to grin as best he could as he backed his way towards the door. "Yes, right, absolutely, I will definitely be coming back with him. I'll just get right on that, then." He turned and practically fled the room.

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><p>After more training, Steve has made good progress with his understanding of technology.<p>

He still refuses to use a computer.


End file.
